TABLES AND CHARTS


Geologic Ages and Events

TIME (BP)
in millions
of years
ERA/EPOCH LIFE FORMS GEOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS
5000 Atonal Rocks Mountain ranges upthrust; continents form
3000 PRECOCIOUS
Catatonic Green slime Earthquakes and volcanoes
Prophylactic Green slime w/ orange spots Volcanoes and earthquakes
505 ORTHOPEDIC
Accordion Seashells Torrential rains
425 Pedestrian More seashells Thunder and lightning
360 Freudian Slimy things More rain
325 Artesian Slimy things w/ tentacles More thunder and lightning
280 Pestiferous Nasty crawly things More rain, oceans form
230 Obstreperous Lots of nasty crawly things Rain w/ intermittent volcanoes
205 METATARSAL
Cryptic Big warty things Swamps form
165 Styptic Really big warty things Hot, drifting continents
135 Creosote Warty things too big; start over Even hotter, lots of mosquitoes
75 CRETINOUS
Obscene Little hairy animals Cooler, 20% chance of comets
Uglyscene Big hairy animals Windy, small continent warning
39 Vaseline Animals w/ silly horns Cold, w/ night and morning glaciers
28 Listerine Animals that don't understand
about tar pits
Fair inland, patchy fog near coast
12 Ovaltine Shree trews Great weekend for a barbecue
1 Plasticine First homonyms Smog alert
25,000
years ago
Recent Modern person;
first Republicans
Freeways upthrust; suburbs form
15
minutes ago
Very recent Computer nerds emerge Fast-food chains develop

CONVERSION TABLE FOR
WEIGHTS AND MEASURES

Length
325 cubebs = 1 furbish
6 furbishes = 1 nautical smile
20 nautical smiles = 1 minor league
3 minor leagues = 1 major league

Liquid Measure
24 pips = 1 damn
6 damns = 1 merken
9 merkens = 1 galleon
1.2 galleons = 1 empirical galleon

Dry Measure
6 grits = 1 scrimmage
4 scrimmages = 1 hogsnout
3 hogsnouts = 1 ratsass
12 ratsasses = 1 passel

Weight
24 carrots = 1 pickleweight
30 pickleweights = 1 tuna
1000 tunas = 1 short ton
1.37 short tons = 1 tall ton

SYMBOLS USED IN MATHEMATICS
greater than, less than, or maybe equal to
has some kind of relation to
is very reminiscent of
probably has nothing to do with
is too expensive
must be equivalent to something
x varies as y, or maybe z
plus or minus an unknown sum
I'll let you know when I look it up
I left the figures in my coat pocket
some
pie
what's the difference?
METRIC UNITS OF MEASURE PREFIXES
in powers of 10
Name Description
arg unit of work done incorrectly 12 helluva-
galumph unit of waste motion 9 heckuva-
lumpen unit of resistance to getting out of bed in the morning:
gravity inertia apathy
6 lotsa-
3 buncha-
fignewton = 100 calories 2 bozo-
jowl unit of excess weight: lumpens fignewtons 1 decca-
melvin unit of temperature, as measured from
"just right" to "hellish"
-1 desi-
-2 sexi-
yok unit of humor -3 silli-
vampire unit of repulsive force of garlic -9 banana-
candelabra unit of tasteless interior decoration -12 doodoo-

Introduction

The Universe / Matter & Energy / The Earth / Evolution / The Descent of Man

Appendix / Glossary / Tables & Charts / Further Reading