Tables and Charts

TIME (BP) in millions of years	ERA/EPOCH	LIFE FORMS	GEOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS
5000	Atonal	Rocks	Mountain ranges upthrust; continents form
3000	PRECOCIOUS
	Catatonic	Green slime	Earthquakes and volcanoes
	Prophylactic	Green slime w/ orange spots	Volcanoes and earthquakes
505	ORTHOPEDIC
505	Accordion	Seashells	Torrential rains
425	Pedestrian	More seashells	Thunder and lightning
360	Freudian	Slimy things	More rain
325	Artesian	Slimy things w/ tentacles	More thunder and lightning
280	Pestiferous	Nasty crawly things	More rain, oceans form
230	Obstreperous	Lots of nasty crawly things	Rain w/ intermittent volcanoes
205	METATARSAL
205	Cryptic	Big warty things	Swamps form
165	Styptic	Really big warty things	Hot, drifting continents
135	Creosote	Warty things too big; start over	Even hotter, lots of mosquitoes
75	CRETINOUS
	Obscene	Little hairy animals	Cooler, 20% chance of comets
	Uglyscene	Big hairy animals	Windy, small continent warning
39	Vaseline	Animals w/ silly horns	Cold, w/ night and morning glaciers
28	Listerine	Animals that don't understand about tar pits	Fair inland, patchy fog near coast
12	Ovaltine	Shree trews	Great weekend for a barbecue
1	Plasticine	First homonyms	Smog alert
25,000 years ago	Recent	Modern person; first Republicans	Freeways upthrust; suburbs form
15 minutes ago	Very recent	Computer nerds emerge	Fast-food chains develop

Length
325 cubebs = 1 furbish
6 furbishes = 1 nautical smile
20 nautical smiles = 1 minor league
3 minor leagues = 1 major league

Liquid Measure
24 pips = 1 damn
6 damns = 1 merken
9½ merkens = 1 galleon
1.2 galleons = 1 empirical galleon

Dry Measure
6 grits = 1 scrimmage
4½ scrimmages = 1 hogsnout
3 hogsnouts = 1 ratsass
12 ratsasses = 1 passel

Weight
24 carrots = 1 pickleweight
30 pickleweights = 1 tuna
1000 tunas = 1 short ton
1.37 short tons = 1 tall ton

SYMBOLS USED IN MATHEMATICS
	greater than, less than, or maybe equal to
	has some kind of relation to
	is very reminiscent of
	probably has nothing to do with
	is too expensive
	must be equivalent to something
	x varies as y, or maybe z
	plus or minus an unknown sum
	I'll let you know when I look it up
	I left the figures in my coat pocket
	some
	pie
	what's the difference?

METRIC UNITS OF MEASURE		PREFIXES in powers of 10
Name	Description	PREFIXES in powers of 10
arg	unit of work done incorrectly	12	helluva-
galumph	unit of waste motion	9	heckuva-
lumpen	unit of resistance to getting out of bed in the morning: gravity × inertia × apathy	6	lotsa-
lumpen		3	buncha-
fignewton	= 100 calories	2	bozo-
jowl	unit of excess weight: lumpens × fignewtons	1	decca-
melvin	unit of temperature, as measured from "just right" to "hellish"	-1	desi-
melvin		-2	sexi-
yok	unit of humor	-3	silli-
vampire	unit of repulsive force of garlic	-9	banana-
candelabra	unit of tasteless interior decoration	-12	doodoo-

TABLES AND CHARTS